Editorial - Macrimination 

Al Gore's Apple

By Steve Sobek - Contributing Editor

Former Vice President Al Gore has a lot to bring to Apple now that he has been elected to its board of directors, if you think about it. He's a bit of an underdog, just like Apple, and he did create the Internet, right (wink, wink)? And he is probably the most politically well-connected avid Mac user in the world.

But what will Apple look like a year from now, after Al has convinced others on the board of the merit of some of his ideas? What follows is a list of some guesses, with some help from my good friend Sean O'Sullivan, who is a bit funnier than I am.

What does this have to do with Macrimination? Nothing, other than if any of these things come true, it will give the PC people more ammunition to criticize us with and more reasons to giggle at us. And, it's my column and I can write about whatever I want.

Top 10 Developments At Apple Now That Al Gore Has Joined Its Board of Directors

1. Al convinces Cupertino to add a new firewire peripheral to its list of products: the "Chad Counter 2000," which, at blazing connections of up to 800 megabits per second (Mbps), will count your ballots to make doubly- and triply-sure you don't have any hanging or pregnant chads. It will be fully compatible with OS X and retail for just $299.

2. Apple revisionist history: Al Gore created the Macintosh.

3. The "smiley Mac" logo will be brought back during startup in OS X, but replaced with a stoic, non-smiling Mac logo.

4. New optional "bearded" iMac.

5. Instead of worrying about Bill Clinton's indiscretions, Gore will have to worry about Steve Jobs'.

6. Gore's wife, Tipper, convinces him to put warning labels on all new Macs: "Warning: Could be used to surf for porn."

7. Upon finishing startup and winning the nomination of its party to run for president, your Mac will now offer you a deep, penetrating kiss.

8. OS X will feature a new memory management scheme to replace protected memory: the "Memory Lockbox."

9. "Rocky Top" becomes the new official Apple fight song.

10. All Macs will be forced to meet a tough zero-emissions standard by the year 2010, and $10 from every Mac purchase will go to Greenpeace.

Tune in next week, when I look at the wonderful world of DVD-ROM content, and how utterly inaccessible it is to Mac users.

Steve Sobek is a journalist and Webmaster of United Mac. Reach him at ssobek@stevesobek.net.